Look, I'm not the stupid kid that you think I am. I'm not the little girl with the bright eyes looking upon the world through rose tinted glasses. I'm not who I was, I'm not what you want me to be, I'm not nice, I'm not innocent, I'm not what I was. You might not see it, but the world has left its mark on me, tainted by my own darkness, I know enough of the world, seen enough of the things humans can do to each other, and to themselves. I know the choices people make, and they regret, and angst and wished bitterly that our choices do not define us. Humans are like dices, as observed by a Frenchman, we throw ourselves into our futures with the choices that we make. Free will, and all that rot, so it wasn't fate or destiny, or whatever silly name you want it to be.

You think I'm just so simple, so uncomplicated, an insignificant snot nosed brat who probably cries a little too much, and annoys everyone with a vicious tongue, longing to just push aside everything, so as to better hate this world. Listen, it's never too young to be corrupted. And I, I have seen enough of this world to know the rules of the game.

Maybe the quiet, unassuming person that you see is what I want you to see. The skeptical glint in my eyes might be a hopeful gleam to you. Maybe it's all I can do to pretend that everything's the same, and nothing will ever change. Because perhaps changes aren't a little too good for people like you. But sometimes I just want to scream at you to release me from the chains holding me back. I can't promise you to fly, I can't promise you not to fall, and break my neck. But I still want a chance, to see if I will ever soar on my own wings. So why won't you let me try?

I'm sick, that I know. Most of the time, I live behind an apathetic veil that keeps me from the world. Sometimes, I just want to feel the hurt, so I might even feel good. After all, who can says what's really pain, and what's really pleasure. The nerves can get entangled really easily. I'm not the same child you knew before, the child who wishes to see the good of humanity, who believes that good will always triumph over evil, and that the rules are fair. I've grown out of those fairy tales, and have moved on to darker stories, tales of the fae, tales of the demons.

Isn't it time to let me go?

Labels: rant