Turning sixteen... doesn't feel anything different from being fifteen. As a kid, I used to anticipate birthdays, wanting to be older, wanting time to just move its fat arse along. But over the years, I found that growing up is really not that big a deal. Sure, you get to sleep later, get to do more stuff and all that, but everything becomes more complicated and suddenly life's not just about yourself.

The following freetalk might change your opinions about me, but in the end, this is who I am. I never regretted anything that I did.

I remembered that when I was young, I was some sort of a irritating crybaby who was overly sensitive to just everything. Well, I didn't really cry in front of strangers or acquaintances, just people that I was close to. But I stopped that annoying habit quickly enough, no point crying when people just ignored you or punished you further for crying. Crying, no matter for what reason, was considered a weakness. To stop being so weak, the only way was to build up a strong enough shield and learn to ignore everything. Why should others matter more than yourself?

Perhaps I wasn't quite the ideal child, and have done my fair share of 'bad' things. Stealing, lying, cheating, forgery, I done it all. I didn't care about any consequences because I was never caught. Children are actually quite naive and don't really notice it when things go missing. We cheated because we felt ourselves beyond the rules, as if they were something that didn't apply to us, because we were clever enough. Lying just came along with the package and it was easy because people think that children aren't cunning enough to lie properly. When I was younger, adults used to praise me for my sarcasm, calling me clever and sharp, but I doubt that they appreciate it now.

Even as a kid, I didn't have much friends, never actively seeking them out, instead people came to me, and if they wanted, they stayed or left. Either way, I didn't really care. Because in the end, they will still leave you, so what does it matter if they left now or months later? People that I cared about have been walking out of my life since I was young, what's another couple to me? People come and go. It was something that I learned after brushing shoulders with Death. Perhaps others might label me as heartless, they did it before, when everyone was mourning while I sat there dressed in black, entirely blank and tearless. It wasn't that I didn't want to mourn, but I couldn't.

I'm rather fickle and shallow, in fact I used to crush on people because they were cute, not because I actually liked them. Superficial, I know. But that's just how I was, how I am. Not that it matters anyway, love is quite a foreign emotion when dealing with someone like me. Seriously, I never loved anyone. Not even family. Sure, I do feel protective of my family, but I just don't love them. Should I feel guilty at this? They sacrificed so much, yet all that they got was me. True, my two brothers influenced my life greatly, so much that hardly anything about me is truly of myself. Be it reading materials, genres of music or even food, they played a big deal in making me.

Of course, over the years, I have changed. But I'm still the person I once was. Just... pricklier and a greater liar. I stopped stealing already, when I reached sec 2; pride got in the way, I guess. But sometimes, even after taking apart the mask, you find yourself unable to recognize the person staring back at you. I never regretted being me though.

On a more cheerful note though lots of thanks to people out there:
my dear clique who knows who they are for the lovely shoes and card
kimmi for the notebook; yes I will write and write and write even more
zhang yu for the useful border gift card; more comics and all that
joo leng for the watch; >.> reminder for the exams?
eva for the necklaces; buy me pressies when you come back, can? Heh. Enjoy yourself in Texas!
random friends who wished me happy birthday; couldn't mention them all but yeah, thanks.

Labels: freetalk