Tips on how to: Lie; because Lying is the Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off. And because frankly I'm bored. So here's the dummy guide to lying:

[1] Think before you lie. Don't just randomly come up with a lie when you're being confronted. Unless you're a darn good liar, which you're not, that's why you're reading this, you end up coming up with all sort of ridiculous ideas. Lying means you don't come up with the same old boring lie that everyone gives. Come up with something that can/might really happen, and if possible, will only apply to your situation so that the opposite party doesn't get suspicious.

[2] Do not be vague, or overly detailed. If you're lying about something, like 'Why you couldn't meet your girlfriend yesterday because you were with your ex', do not be vague and say you're just busy. It'll set off warning alarms in her head. Vagueness is bad... but for the love of Pete, do not yammer on and on and on about how fun it was to play golf with your uncle Ben, hence you couldn't make it to the date. It not only gives you more details to remember of when she brings up that topic, it will also create more loopholes, and if you have a paranoid girlfriend, chances are alarms are going to ring again.

[3] Make eye contact, dammit! Looking at people when you're talking to them is a sign of respect. And most people do not trust people with shifty eyes. You want to be a good liar? Master your facial emotions. Look at them straight into the eye and unless they have Byakugan, like Neji, they cannot see through your soul and know that you'll lying. Unless you show the guilt in your face, of course. Take note of your own expression; use a mirror if you have to. Listen to yourself when you speak normally and when you lie. Is there a difference? If there is, can you change it?

[4] Make your lie believable. Come up with something realistic and not a tale worthy to be on Ripley's Believe it or Not, because the chances are no one's gonna believe it. And honestly, how many freak accidents can happen? Not only is it hard to believe, but when a real freak accident really happens, they might not believe you. If your boss ask you why you're late to work, it's easy to tell him that your car broke down halfway in the middle of the road, and you had to call a tow truck etc etc, and he might understand and sympathize with your plight. However, were you to say that you were waylaid at gunpoint by some freak wanting to steal your car, that would be utterly hilarious and I'd give money to see how your boss react. Whether will he turn from red to purple, or die of laughter, or just give you a C for Creativity.

[5] Discovery of the lie. GASP. If someone figured out that you're lying, do NOT panic. Simply shrug it off and play it cool. Do NOT even sound defensive, you're just going to make the situation worse. Instead, just laugh at the person accusing you, and give him/her a scornful look. If the lie is passed through to others, just look at them incredulously, and go about your day. If someone else asks you about it, feign hurt that they would rather believe someone else, rather then you. If you're good enough, play on the emotional blackmail.

[6] Hurting others with a lie. Well, it depends on your intentions, are you lying a white lie or just to further your own evil goals? Frankly, I don't give a damn. Since you're already planning to lie, why are you bothering with hurt feelings? My piece of advice? Lie so flawlessly that they won't find out it's a lie and they won't get hurt. That's it. Just don't get nervous or they'll really find out and be hurt. If you're such a wimp, then pretend that you don't care about them and just lie.

[7] Have some memory and use it. It will not do you good to mix up your lies. If you need to go MIA for a day without a good reason and need to come up with a decent lie for everyone, please just use the same lie! It'll only backfire on you if they all come together and list out your supposed 'reasons'.

[8] After lying, don't just change the subject randomly, it makes others suspicious. Instead, let them ask you something about the lie, and please, anticipate some questions about the lie, and come up with possible answers. Usually, when you want to come up with supporting details, think of the 5 Ws: What, Who, Why, When, Where, and the H: How. What happened, is the most important here because it needs to sound possible and convincing. It's the core of the lie. Who is equally important as another person in the lie can make or break it. If you want to lie properly, either work alone or choose someone reliable and is able to lie convincingly. Why includes of your motives for the lie, and well, come up with something decent, and not overly fancy. When and Where are probably common sense questions, please use your brain. How is also important, as it's part of the details, be realistic and remember, you're not Hiro or anything, you can't meddle with time and space so if you're commuting from a place to another, please don't forget the time needed.

[9] Mix some truth into your lies. It makes it even more believable, and it becomes easier for you too. Or if not, lie by omission, and be slightly vague, if possible and you're not squeamish, try pushing the lie to someone else. Heh.

[10] One last tip: Believe in what you're lying. Put your feelings into the lie as if it really happened and it's real. Like... if you want to say that you were robbed, put in the fear and the anger and helplessness you 'supposedly' felt. Make it convincing but do not overact. That spoils a good lie.

Usually, it's easy to think of a good lie, but most people cannot really lie to others before there's some sort of a mental block. The topic whether is it morally right or wrong to lie, doesn't exist in my book. I believe in mere shades of grey. Hope this will be useful, and if anything does backfire, don't sue me. If others would like to contribute and add to this, I would be grateful, since my skills can still be improved on.

Labels: writing