To be perfectly truthful, I'm a passive person, to a fault that you won't see me asserting much of anything. If something pisses me off, I'll just either shrug it off or swear until my temper cools. When it comes to making decisions, I usually just go with the flow, or ask for someone else's opinion. Even when I seriously want something, I'll just get it myself or be content with a substitute.

But now... I don't know, it's not like my life's terrible now or something, but somehow, I'm just not happy with where my life is going. Just what major decisions in my life wasn't decided by someone else?

I want to change. I don't like the me now.

I'm afraid that ten years down the road, I might just regret letting other people run my life for me. Just because I don't want conflicts, just because I'm lazy, just because I want to be liked.

Okay, so I know I said so many times that I want to change. Yet I didn't. I hope it isn't too late yet. And sometimes I just wish I had the courage to yell at my mother coherently and tell her, 'Hey, fuck that. This is my life. I want to make my own decisions, and make stupid mistakes. Stop telling me what to do.' But... everything goes to pieces before I even get the nerve to say anything because my mouth doesn't cooperate with my brain. And I can't even stay mad at her.

But I know if she continues to run my life, there will be no turning back. Because no matter how much I try to put myself in her shoes, I will resent her. And I will hate.

Why am I such a frigging coward? I rather be a scary bitch and be hated universally then hating myself inside when I find myself so confined.

Labels: freetalk, life